Like many people my age, I was influenced and scared by Weird Al Yankovic. I love Weird Al, and am proud of the world for giving him the long-lasting career he so richly deserves. However, I do blame him for the skewed parodic songs my friends and I “composed” when we were young. Unbidden, one of these popped into my head this morning; the sadly twisted take on “Message In A Bottle” known as “Herpes Simplex Problem.” A few years ago, one of my cohorts in this crime against nature asked if I remembered the lyrics. I couldn’t recreate them exactly – I believe there are a few unintentional subtle changes in nuance – but here, for your displeasure, is my recollection. May you read them and weep:
Just a castaway, riddled with disease, oh
Another lonely day, and it hurts to pee, oh
More gonorrhea than any man could bear
Syphilis and crabs infest my pubic hair, oh
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
A year has passed since I blew my load
But I should have known this right from the start
Only drugs can keep me together
Love can mend your life but
Love can burn your parts
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Woke up this morning, don’t believe what I saw
Hundred billion buboes, swollen, raw and sore
Seems I’m not alone with my burning bone
Hundred billion crabs today, calling me their home
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I’ll share my S.T.D.s with the world
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
I hope that someone cures my
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Herpes simplex problem, yeah
Sharing all my S.T.D.s
Sharing all my S.T.D.s
Sharing all my S.T.D.s
Sharing all my S.T.D.s
Sharing all my S.T.D.s
Sharing all my S.T.D.s…
I Am Not Me 